Just nod your head and smile
by Original Prankster
Summary: LOTR/FF8 crossover poking fun at the dumb, ridiculous and plain stupid things game designers expect us to believe, from the POV of Legolas


Disclaimer ~ I do not own FF8. Or Legolas dammit 

Legolas blinked through the throbbing of his head and pondered just how much he'd had to drink last night, he remembered vaguely Gimli suggesting he go into his dark cave and then well nothing. He looked upwards through the light filtering through the branches and wondered what exactly was wrong with this scene, he felt a distinct attack of dumb blonde right now. And where was Gimli? The pair had been nearly inseperable since helms deep he glanced around for his friend. Yesterday in the mountains he'd shown him why dwarfs truly had such long beards. Hmm That was it there weren't any trees in the mountains for miles around. So where the hell was he?

He tapped his bow against his leg in an irritated manner, even the trees didn't smell right. And it was widely accepted that the sounds of battle weren't a good thing in any forest, particularly when accompanied by the echo of what sounded like a mountain troll in heat. Without having any other frame of reference at this point, Legolas decided to stick with what he knew granted mountain trolls on heat were pushy but at least they were fun.

He minced in his normal languid manner through the trees, strolling silently across the dry leaves. When he came to the clearing where the fight was taking place he saw three mortals taking on what appeared to be a giant gorilla, he tilted his head and leaned languidly against a tree. He blinked as the gorilla picked up an anemic girl and rolled her into a ball the sheer physics of that move were mindblowing.

'Haven't you got that bloody blade of yours working yet?' Legolas's attention was suddenly captured by a muscular blonde who was mincing about from foot to foot in a way that seemed very familiar. Legolas smiled after he decided that he was indeed the prettier of the two.

'The mechanism's locked! It's never locked I've never needed to do general routine maintenance on it before!' Legolas locked at the brunette wearily, unsure of how to judge how beautiful he was on accounts of the scar that ran across his face. He was playing with an overly large sword, ignoring the plight of the anaemic young girl who was just standing up, seemingly unaffected by the bone crunching she had gone through. Unless the ridiculous flip hairstyle was a by product. He sighed slightly at the anxiety and pulled out his bow, firing an arrow into the creatures eye socket. As it fell to the floor he nodded in satisfaction as it had gained him the attention of the three young humans. He spared a moment to preen before wandering across to the mortals.

They pretty brunette stood in his path and Legolas smiled slightly, sticking his elvish nose ever so slightly into the air. That was of course until he did a double take. The boy's large sword had disappeared into thin air, he stepped back in confusion. 'Where did your sword go?' The boy stared at him flatly.

'I have very big pockets.' He stated. 'Who are you? I've never seen anyone take out a wendigo in one shot before.' Legolas smiled slightly.

'I am Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood.' They stared at him blankly and he felt the need to elaborate. 'Son of Thranduril?' The young girl shook her head. 'Part of the fellowship of the ring?'

'Aren't they a band?' The girl asked. Legolas blinked at her.

'A what?' They looked at each other for a moment and Legolas sighed. 'And you people might be.' He wasn't that interested in them anymore if truth be told, now that they hadn't heard of him. The brunette answered, Legolas, finally deciding that the scar added to his beauty rather than detracted from it, was inclined to dislike him.

'This is Selphie and Zell. I'm Squall the commander of Balamb Garden.' Legolas' ears pricked up, well they pricked up more.

'Garden you say?' He had a fondness for gardens and trees after many years he had found them ideal for midnight activities.

'Yes, the mercenary academy.' Legolas blinked.

'You're mercenaries??? But you're five years old!' He yelped. The big blonde seemed to take this observation badly and was shaking slightly with one fist outstretched. Legolas watched this interestedly for a moment, he seemed unable to move.

'We've been training since we were teenagers.' Squall told him. Legolas raised an eyebrow.

'Don't get me wrong, I'm not really up on mortal ages but are you still not teenagers?' They stared at him for a moment. 'What?'

'Mortal ages?' Zell asked in a muted tone and Legolas nodded.

'You are mortals are you not I don't see the, I must say, rather attractive pointed ears, of my own kinds, therefore I must assume you are human.' They stared at him and then at his ears. Then they stared at him some more. 'I'm an elf.' He said encouragingly. Great gods he knew mortals were a tad slow on the uptake, but this was ridiculous.

'There's no such things as elves.' Selphie told him. For some reason denial of his excistence irritated him.

'Well really! Do I deny that humanity excists? I mean, you breed like rabbits so it'd be a bit harder to deny.' They stared at him for a moment. 'I don't have time for this. Would you tell me where I am?' he asked, arrogance on every line of his face.

'You're in one of Balamb's forest.' Squall told him and Legolas looked at him blankly. Squall turned to the others. 'We should take him to Garden, it's obvious he doesn't belong here maybe this is something to do with time compression.'

'I need to go into Balamb town first.' The girl told him when asked what for she replied. 'Oh you know see what I can pick up.'

*

After they reached the small town of Balamb Legolas was stunned by the band of thieves he had found himself associated with. He watched as they walked into people's homes lift their valuables without so much as a by-your-leave and made idle chit chat with the owners as they took their heirlooms out of the door. He sat down, mostly in shock, next to a man on a park bench. 'Can you believe what they're doing? Are they really that tough that people will let them walk out with their valuables?' He asked his new found companion.

'Well. Times are tough.' The old man told him.

'Well I gathered but why do people let them get away with it?'

'Well. Times are tough.' Legolas blinked at him for a moment.

'So you let people take you up the arse for money?'

'Well. Times are tough.' Legolas slowly shifted away from the man before stading up.

'It's been fun, honest it has.'

'Well. Times are tough.'

'Indeed. Must dash though I've got a I've got to bye.' He spared a brief look for the man on the bench and ran off. He met them at the gate and they were sorting through their equipment.

'You might want to take out your bow. We always get into fights on the way back to garden.' Legolas nodded.

'It might be because of your rampant kleptomania.' He said dubiously and they gave him a strange look. After a moment Legolas watched Squall put his sword behind his back and then blinked as it disappeared. 'How did you do that?'

'Do what?' Legolas pointed.

'That! With the sword!' Squall reached behind his back and pull out the large blade. He looked at the blade and the at Legolas as if HE was the strange one. 

'Let's get going.' The girl said. Legolas eyed her skin tight dress, looking for the tell tale buldges that should have held the fruits of her ill gotten gains.

'No offence. You're a mercenary right? How do you fight in that dress?' She smiled at him in bemusement before setting off across the land.

'Bloody mortals.' He muttered before pouting prettily and following them.

*

'So basically you just let this evil dude what was his name again?'

'Seifer.' Selphie told him as she wandered next to him, very carefully walking around any uneven terraine, for some reason not being able to lift her feet off of the floor very far.

'So you let him go time and again? Only for him to, surprise, surprise, turn up fully rested to kick you in the arse? Don't you think that was a little naïve of you?' She shrugged.

'You don't know Seifer.' She told him with an anaemic grin.

'Obviously not, must be some tough guy if he can survive however many sword thrusts in the gut and punches, only to keel over when he was good and ready.' Legolas shook his head. He blinked at the large white thing that was currently rising up over the horizon. 'What the hell is that?'

'Oh that's Garden.'

'I thought you said it was a military academy.' He rubbed his eyes.

'It is.' She smiled.

'It's flying.'

'Yes it does that on occasion.' She smiled and nodded. He stared at her and then back at the building.

'I don't want to know what laws of physics you broke for that once to happen.' He told her as she led him to the craft.

Author's note - Okay that's the first chapter this was written on a dare so you'll under stand I hope ;)  



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